I was baptized when I was 19. Between then and now a lot has happened. I actually think I sinned more since I have been baptized then before I was baptized. Thank goodness we have a forgiving God. I went from a life of lies and secrets, to this place of openness and healing. With Gods help I am slowly being stitched back together in the way God has intended for me. God has been so faithful and loving towards me. I would think I could do the same back to Him, right?
Wrong! I’ve doubted God hears me, loves me, or even knows who I am. I’ve doubted I have what it takes to follow Him. I’ve sat in church pretending to hear the message of God for the first time and wondered how the heck I believe what I believe. I have doubted Gods ability to care for me. I didn’t trust God really had the best of intentions for me, so I went my own way. I didn’t believe God had the right man picked out for me, so I took that into my own hands. Every time I did it my way, I crashed and burned. Every time I tried it again, it hurt even more than the last time.
Slowly but surely (and sometimes not so surely), I have been loosening my grip on my plans for my life, my love, my happiness, and placing it back into the hands of the One who knows it all.
Now, that’s not to say that I don’t doubt anymore. I do doubt, just different than I use to. Somewhere along the line I had developed this belief that if I doubt, then God couldn’t possibly love me. This belief, this false belief, has affected my relationship with God. This had me running from God when I doubted Him. I didn’t open up and talk about my doubts. I let it fester. I stopped engaging in my relationship with God, and I attempted to find other ways to feel whole. They all failed me.
None of those things I tried, filled me the way Gods love does. In God I am unconditionally loved. He is so much bigger than my doubts and questions. I learnt a lot this season. I learnt my doubting is normal and other Christians doubt along with me. I learnt to talk about it and seek answers. I learnt I don’t have to believe everything someone says about God. “But test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:21
What an interesting concept. Just because it comes from a mentor, church leader, or someone of power, does not mean it is from God. My challenge to myself and to you is to question what we hear. Ask questions! I want to know for certain that the words I am spreading about Jesus is true. For that, I need to put in my time and my effort to learn God character and who God is to me.
“Christianity is more about questions than answers.”- My dad (when I have outrageous questions about God or Christianity)
I have a lot of questions. You know, most of these questions I have will go unanswered until I meet Jesus. That does not mean I can’t ask. That does not mean I need to run from God and hide. There is unconditional Love and Grace waiting for me to turn to Him. I can go to God with my questions and my doubts knowing I am loved and not judged. I can go to God knowing He is not afraid of my doubting heart.
“For the word of the Lord holds true, and we can trust everything He does. He loves whatever is just and good; the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth. The Lord merely spoke, and the heavens were created. He breathed the word, and all the stars were born.” – Psalm 33:4-6 NLT