Three months ago, I gave birth to a little baby boy named Levin. His arrival threw my world into a blender; my regular habits of sleeping, working, and socializing were all shook up. As such, the FV blog had a bit of a hiatus this summer. But don’t fret, I’ve gotten used to a new normal and am getting the blog back in business. You can expect regular posts from here on in.
I know it’s dreadfully cliche for a new mom to share her insights about God through the lens of motherhood, but that’s what I’m about to do, because since Levin was born I’ve spent just about every waking (and wish-I-weren’t waking) moment being a mom to him, and this new way of life is changing my perspective. Being a mom is, so far, the hardest thing I’ve ever taken on. Levin’s needs and routines are constantly changing so that I never feel totally on top of things. I’ve spent many days feeling tired, frustrated, and completely overwhelmed. Even so, I can say with absolute confidence that all through the day and all through the night I delight in my little boy.
He has a perfectly round head, and two little half-moon blue eyes that sparkle when I sing to him. He is charmingly determined to learn new skills, and I can already see signs of gentleness and sensitivity in the way he interacts with other people. When I walk into a room with Levin, my heart just glows with pride. I think he’s the most wonderful little boy in the universe; and I could argue it’s because he’s really cute (he is!) or because he’s really clever (he is!), but it’s actually just because he’s mine.
And, I’d never understood it before, but I can see now that this is the way God delights in me. It really doesn’t matter how cute or clever I am. It doesn’t matter how I perceive myself, or what I do or don’t do; I am His, and so His heart fills with joy when He looks at me. It changes everything to think that God delights in me like I delight in Levin. It means I’m loved with a deeper, warmer love than I’d ever conceived of before. And it fills me with a desire to respond in any way that I am able.
Lately Levin has been discovering his ability to ‘talk.’ He lies in his crib and babbles to himself when he wakes. Sometimes, when I come to him, he’ll look straight into my eyes and make his noises for me. It frustrates him that he can’t actually say what he wants to say. A determined look will cross his face, and he’ll form his lips into a beautiful “O”, but then when he forces out the sound, it comes out like a squawk. However, as I’m sure you can imagine, I don’t care what Levin sounds like, I just think it’s magical and marvellous that he wants to talk to me. It struck me this week to think of prayer and singing as a similar gesture we can make to God. My prayers are often scattered and unsophisticated, and my songs aren’t always the sweetest, but if my eyes are turned to Him, He must think it’s beautiful just the same.
So this week I’m singing and praying a lot (even when I feel squawky and babbley). I’m telling Levin every night that he is loved more than he knows, and I’m imagining my Father in Heaven saying the same to me. Oh Lord, be all my delight.