Make it rain Lord, make it rain.
There’s pain in the tears, sadness throughout the heart, anger wrapped around fists.
In the midst of the darkness, oh where is the Light?
Can you feel my struggle? Can you feel my pain?
My soul cries deep down a silent scream that only I can hear; that only God knows.
Can you hear my struggle? Can you feel this pain?
I stare down at myself, intestines hanging out, exposed, like two shotgun holes on each side of me.
My stomach cut so deep, so long. I don’t know how much more I can hold on.
Is this me? Is this my body? Day by day I see it wither away. Piece by piece.
I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror. Is that really my face? What have I become?
Tubes hanging out of everywhere; mouth, neck, nose, arms, side – giving me life, and taking it too.
I try to fight the pain. The pain, oh the pain. Please Lord make it go away.
As I take another hit, and try to not fall into another Morphine nightmare
Sweat drips and drips, as my body cries out. Please Lord give me rest throughout the night, just one night please.
Each day holding on to dear, dear life.
Can you hear my struggle? Can you picture my pain?
The struggle, I count each minute, just staring at the clock as it tic tic’s life away.
The struggle has overcome me physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually.
Pushing me down, weighing so heavy, so heavy.
But the battle rages on, not stopping for me to catch my breath, to get a grip, or grasp the seriousness of the situation.
No, the struggle has no regard for my life. It grins at me with haunting eyes, licking its lips, thirsty for blood, my life, my soul.
The struggle, the battle, the challenge, the test. It does not know me, it will not have me, it will not take me.
For I am His, and He is mine. He is my strength. He is my Sword. He is my Shield. He has overcome all, and He will not let me be defeated. He will not let me go, because He loves Me. He gives me purpose, and has a purpose. He will hold me tight in the darkness. He will wipe my tears, and heal my wounds. He will make me whole again. He will not leave me. He will not leave me.
So I will rise up on eagles wings, and fight. My spirit on bent knees, stands up, and battles on to fight another day.
And I embrace the beauty of the struggle. The beauty of the struggle.
This is a reflection on the most difficult struggle that I have ever had to go through up to this point in my life. I am trying to paint a picture of what it was like in the very heart, in the midst of that struggle. When bad turned to worse.
I have an extreme case of Crohn’s disease. I am 27 now, and was diagnosed at the young age of 13. For those who aren’t familiar with Crohn’s, it is the inflammation of the small Intestine, but in my case the inflammation had spread throughout my small and large intestine. Throughout my life I have struggled to keep the disease under control. It is unpredictable, and can keep you down in bed for days, in pain. I had many episodes like that for a period of 10 plus years, till it got to the point where the doctor said “there are no more medications you can take, no more options, you are very sick, and the only option if you want to get better is surgery.” It doesn’t matter what you have, no one likes to hear that word ‘surgery.’ I had no other options left, so I reluctantly agreed.
I had about 2 months until I was scheduled to go under the knife. During that time period well I waited. It was very tough mentally and emotionally. In my mind I ran through every outcome possible, good and bad. Truthfully I was really scared. This was not an easy procedure. I had to have about a foot of my small intestine removed, a foot of large intestine, remove fistulas that had started growing towards my bladder, and after they removed everything, they then had to reattach together the intestines with staples.
So I had the surgery. Everything seemed to have gone well, other than having over 40 staples holding my abdomen together. The only thing that was wrong was each night around 3am, I would break out into a high fever, and the doctors couldn’t seem to figure out why. So I had a CT scan done on my abdomen to make sure that the intestines they had reattached were holding together.
Then I got the terrible news. The results of the CT scan were not good. The intestines that were stapled back together broke apart, and were leaking into my stomach and blood stream, and I had developed sepsis, which if not treated immediately can kill you. The only option was too have emergency surgery. All my fears, all my worries, had come true. I cried and yelled at God, “Why! Why me! Had I not gone through enough already? All the prayers, were they just empty words to You?” The struggle had been taken to a whole other level that day.
So, I had a 5 hour procedure. Had two holes cut on each side of me to bring out my small and large intestine. I had to have what’s called an ileostomy and colostomy, which is a bag or pouch that covers the intestine so it can discharge what you eat into it.
I spent 21 days in the hospital. I lost 22 pounds. 14 days of it I did not eat anything, and some days I could not even have water. I had a 7 inch wound straight down my abdomen. I had tubes coming out of every part of my body. A tube running from nose down my throat into my stomach, pumping out all the fluids that leaked into my stomach. Every day seemed like the hardest day of my life. I could barely get myself out the bed and walk 10 feet to the washroom. Each day it seemed like something else was going wrong. Each challenge harder than the last.
Once I left the hospital the battle did not end there. I ended up having two more major surgeries after that. The battle lasted 11 months. But I am still here, stronger because of it. Wiser. Tougher. There have been days in church, praising, praying, and I tear up, reflecting on the journey, the struggle, and what we had overcome together, and I sit there and thank God. I thank him for the struggle. I count it as a blessing, a blessing disguised. For throughout it God was shaping me. Teaching me. Drawing me closer to Him. Building character. When I look back on that incredible journey there is not one thing I would have changed, not one thing I would want to be different. For when I am weak He is strong. Life isn’t supposed to be an easy and straightforward path. It’s supposed to have bumps in the road. There are supposed to be mountains to climb. Challenges to overcome. Lessons to be learned. God’s masterful purpose within these struggles is beautiful. So embrace your struggles, rise up, trust and keep your faith strong in the One who has given us life.